When the chief priests and the guards saw (Jesus) they cried out. “Crucify him, crucify him!” Pilate said to them, “Take him yourselves and crucify him. I find no guilt in him”…They cried out. “Take him away, take him away! Crucify him!” Pilate said to them “shall I crucify your king?” The chief priests answered “We have no king but Caesar.” Then he handed him over to them to be crucified. So they took Jesus, and carrying the cross himself he went out to what is called to the Place of the Skull, in Hebrew, Golgotha. (John 19: 6, 15-17)
There were a lot of experiences I was looking forward to when I first learned that I got accepted to Amate House. I won’t give you the whole list but a few included meeting my community members, forming relationships with the girls that I would be serving, retreats, a warm St. Patrick’s day, and Amate Magic, but this reflection was by far on the bottom of my list. However, in the 7th month of my year of service, living in community and at my placement, Girls in the Game along with the spirit of the Lenten season, I have learned what a gift vulnerability can be and by taking up our own cross, we come humbly before God with our brokenness.I am pretty sure there can’t be an Amate event without a quote from Jean Vanier and so I felt compelled to uphold tradition tonight. Upon reflecting on this station I found words that mirrored Christ’s call for us to take up our cross and follow him. Vanier tell us, “If we are to [enter into personal relationships of love and communion with others], we shall have to die to all our selfishness and to all the hardness of our heart.” With these words in mind I began to think of what gives weight to the cross that I carry this year in Chicago. Immediately I thought of the girls and their families in the 4 public schools that I coach in my after school program very week.
Every day I come into contact with the injustices that my girls endure at such a young age. Most days I feel like a really patient older sister to my girls as they come to me with their problems like poor self-esteem, bullies, low grades, their impending engagement to Justin Bieber, and, more seriously, problems at home. Every day I walk into schools that have their own crosses to bear, especially this year with the teacher’s strike and school closure list. I got a front row seat to the broken educational system that exists here in Chicago. Something I have always thought about in the Lenten season are the moments where Christ is surrounded by hundreds of people following him as he carries his cross, and yet how alone he must have felt in that crowd and even perhaps from his Father. I think it is so easy for kids to be invisible in a school of several hundred kids and what I love most about working in an after school program is giving my girls a safe place to feel special and to find their voice.
Several times this year I felt that the weight of my cross was falling on incapable shoulders. How was I qualified to be a role model to my girls when I am still finding out who I am supposed to be? How can I make a lasting impact when I only see a school one day a week for only one hour and half? I feel like the woman at the well, carrying her insecurities along with her water as I carry so much more home than a bag of soccer balls. I, like the woman long to hear Jesus say “I know” and to heal the broken cycles my girls are fated to endure. Most of my prayers this year have been a call of strength to continue to carry my cross, even and most especially when I fall under the weight.
On those tough days I have counted down the weeks for this weight to be lifted and for me to move on to the next chapter of my life, but as I look towards the future I crave the weight of my service. When Jesus says to take up your cross and follow Him, He is asking us to give up some of our comforts. While I still don’t have an answer to the dreaded question, what are you doing after your year at Amate, I will most likely not be an after school coach. And as I share stories of funny things my girls said or be able to show off my newly developed lacrosse skills, I hope that the weight of the crosses my girls bear will also stay with me keeping me mindful to seek out justice.
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