“And He said to them, “O foolish men and slow of heart to believe in all that the prophets have spoken! Was it not necessary for the Christ to suffer these things and to enter into His glory?” Then beginning with Moses and with all the prophets, He explained to them the things concerning Himself in all the Scriptures.”Luke 24: 25-27
How did we get here? And where are we going next?
This was probably a question that the disciples on the Road to Emmaus asked in the passage above, after realizing that while they missed Jesus, they still did not recognize Him when He was present with them.
I feel like this is also a question that we often ask ourselves, whether we are trying to do a quick check in or prepare to make a transition for our future.
This year has been a year of transition for me, very much like that of other volunteers. I came here to Amate House after completing a year of service in Sacramento, CA where I served as a volunteer at a day shelter for homeless women and children and an assistant teacher in a Montessori Preschool for homeless children. The whole reason I picked my service site for last year was so that I would not be serving in an educational setting, which seemed silly last year, but even funnier now as I serve as a preschool teacher’s assistant for eight different classrooms with three to five year old children.
This year I feel that I have learned how to better transition or adjust in different situations, but it hasn’t been easy. At the beginning of the year, I especially struggled with making transitions from one classroom to another. I felt that I would finally connect to a classroom of students, learn all of their names, get to know to them as individuals, then be switched to a different class. I had not really had this type of experience before, something that required me to be so flexible and open to the needs of the other teachers, but I feel that this was a way that I was able to recognize how God was guiding me to better influence the children that I worked with.
Something that I have lost in this past year, outside of my service site, would be part of my plans for my future, as well as something that I truly used to identify myself. For the past four years I have been discerning religious life, and this played a big part not only in my plans for my future, but also in my spiritual development and the reasons that I chose to participate in Amate House.
This Easter I discovered that it would not be possible for me to continue to discern with the order that I was in contact and this was the second time that this had happened to me in the past two years. I was turned down due to a diagnosis of depression that I have had for half of my life. When I first found out this information I honestly did not know how to handle it. It took me a while to get to the point where I could think clearly about the situation and make a decision, but the whole time my community was there to support me. After sitting with the situation for a couple of weeks, I realized that I felt that maybe I was no longer being called to religious life. This was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make, and was definitely not something that I took lightly, but I was so blessed by the outpouring of love I received from my housemates as well as the children that I worked with. It was hard to not feel a sense of pain and despair about the situation, especially the first few days after making my final decision, but the love, compassion, kindness, and sense of joy that I recognized in other truly helped me to overcome these challenges. Through all of this, the Spirit has been guiding me. The day before I was contacted by the religious order, I began an application process to join a Catholic Worker Community in the city where I went to school. Since making this decision I have remained in contact the community, which I will be visiting this June, with the possibility of becoming a live-in community member later this summer.
Now going back to my experience at Saint Vincent’s. In the past month, I have been able to spend more time in one classroom which has helped me to recognize the importance of being open to being present to all of the students. Prior to this month I would only see the children from this classroom outside or at random times when I would step in for a little while during the day, so I didn’t really know many of the children that well. The teachers have all been very encouraging and affirming, reminding me of my skills and talents, and allowing me to recognize where I can best help. I soon began spending more time with one little boy was very kind and friendly, but seemed to really be displaying some challenging behaviors towards his classmates and teachers. On the day that I met him, he was having trouble listening, and became pretty angry. When I first began talking to him I thought that he was angry at me, but he openly shared that he was truly angry about things going on in his home life, which affected his behavior. I spent time with him throughout that day, hoping to make things a little easier. At the end of the day I went to say goodbye to him, and he wouldn’t have it. I explained that I would be back the day after tomorrow, we looked at the calendar together, and I promised that I would give him a hug when I came back. The day I came back I was already in the class when he arrived, and when he saw me he simply hugged me and told me he knew I would come back. I now realize that this experience would have never happened if I hadn’t died to my expectations, my hopes to stay comfortable and remain with “my” students, and been able to step into the unknown to make them all “mine.”
This memory says a lot for me, but it also helps me to make wonderful connections to my own life. It tells me that no matter what is happening in our lives, we always have people who are willing to help us. It comforts me to remember that God has a plan for what is happening within us, and many things happen so that we may be more understanding of those who struggle. But mostly, it reminds me to lose expectations that I have, about what I should be doing, and remember to become more open to how God might use me to serve him.
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