If you had spoken to me this time last year, I would have
probably told you all about my passion for birth work. I studied pregnancy,
birth, and infant parenting for both schoolwork and as a pastime in college.
One summer I trained to become a birth doula, which is essentially a support
person, knowledge base, and advocate for families during labor and delivery.
Amate House fit my interests perfectly: a year of service, getting close with a
community of other people who enjoy helping others, and most of all, working
with teen moms and caring for small infants. I was goal-oriented, and after
checking “graduate college” off of my list, Amate was next.
I imagined cradling babies, helping teen moms realize their
potential, and putting my four years of college knowledge to good use. I
envisioned myself reading baby books, learning about the stages of development,
and discussing interesting alternative parenting methods with my coworkers and
clients.
I had some ambivalence in the summer before Amate,
particularly because I didn’t visit my worksite before accepting the position.
I was also suffering from FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out on another position that
might help me explore the legal field, another one of my interests. But I
walked into Amate fairly confident, excited to meet my community, and anxious
to get to my work placement site.
My worksite held several surprises for me. While there were
teen moms who came to the daycare center, there were many more middle-class
white community parents. Most of the teen moms already had mentors, and when
one of them finally agreed to let me mentor her, she wanted nothing to do with
me. Rocking babies turned out to be hard.
Actually, everything with babies seemed hard: changing the diaper of a child who
is constantly flipping over on the changing table, feeding a child who is
looking around the room with such a circumference that they manage to get
pureed food on their shoulders, (attempting to) rock a child who so badly
doesn’t want to take a nap that they are willing to scream, cry, kick, slap,
punch, pull hair, writhe in your arms, and poke you in the face.
Looking back, the biggest surprise for me was how completely
unqualified and unprepared I was for the situation. I had just assumed that my
interests and my degree gave me a level of ability in any place I tried to
work, but that was not the case. Without any experience, I felt that I was
useless in my position, a failure. I was convinced that I had chosen the wrong
placement, that I was not helping my center at all, that none of the kids liked
me, and that I was just in the way. I was like a city girl on a farm trying to
milk a cow for the first time: no amount of reading or mental preparation can
prepare you for the doing part.
After a few weeks of struggling to stay out of everyone’s
way, searching for any small task I could do that would seem helpful, and being
upset with myself for choosing a placement that wasn't a good match, I spoke
with my supervisor about making a change. The day I had started happened to be
the day that the previous office manager quit. The center was struggling to get
by without someone in that administrative role, and with my business degree, I
knew how to do many basic office tasks.
It was a great fall. I got ten hours a week of classroom
time, then the rest of my time I was working on improving the center behind the
scenes, where I was comfortable: accounting, PR, and general organizational
work. I got to spend much more time with my wonderful supervisor, who was also new
to her position, and we learned so much side by side. Many challenges arose
from the fact that the previous office manager left without training me, but I
did the best that I could, and felt I was really making a positive impact on
the center. God had really put me there for a reason.
Then, I got a message that AmeriCorps found out I’d
completely switched my position, and did not approve. I would have to
completely give up my eligibility for the AmeriCorps $5,000+ education grant if
I continued working in the office instead of doing my original position
description. I was heartbroken; I’d finally found where I was meant to be,
where I could thrive and help out and feel fulfilled, and now I had to give it
up.
Going back to the classroom was not easy, especially because
it took months for the center to find a new office manager, so I was doing some
administrative tasks on the side. The office may have felt occasionally lonely,
but being in a room with sixteen other people for eight hours a day often feels
overwhelming. And while my housemates had the entire fall season to learn about
their jobs and get into the groove of things, I had been learning a completely
different position, and now had to figure out my job all over again.
Fast-forward about six months, to where I am today. I
absolutely, without a doubt, adore my
kids. I have watched four kids learn to walk, nine learn to crawl, heard them
stutter out their first words, helped them learn colors and animals. I have
learned their habits, how to convince them to eat vegetables, what to do when
they’re screaming for no reason, how to hold three babies in my lap as I read a
story to them. I’ve learned the names and stories of forty-six kids, and built
relationships with them. But more important than learning the fastest way to
change a diaper and the cleanest way to open baby food, I’ve learned to live
life past the goals. Caring for children is not a checklist, but a journey, a
day-to-day encounter with the good, the bad, the messy, and the wonderful. And what
I feared would be a monotonous, never-ending task without any “destination” in
the end, has become a fulfillment in a deep-rooted desire for caring for others
that I didn't even realize I had.
In the end, I think God did want me at my placement site. I
learned and grew more than I might have in a different site that seemed
“easier” at first. From day one of Amate I had been thinking about doing another
year of service, and I recently (excitedly!) committed to my second year. I am
so anxious and excited to see what kind of challenges God places before me.
This time around, I’m prepared to feel completely unprepared for my new position!
I am so thankful for the supportive community, for my
co-workers, and of course, my wonderful kids. Thank you for teaching me how to
live each day as a learning, growing, changing person. I will definitely take
the lessons and the memories learned this year with me for the rest of my life!
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