The following is a reflection prepared for Ashleigh Knoeferl, one
of this year's North House Volunteers. Ashleigh shared this reflection as part
of her community's Pentecost Reflections, which explores the movements of the
Paschal Mystery. Ashleigh spoke of "The Forty Days before the
Ascension", and the themes of change and reception of new life.
The 40 days before Jesus’ Ascension:
described as a time for adjustment to the new and for grieving the old. It
seems like an appropriate description for Amate House, doesn’t it? This time
last year, we were certainly grieving the old. Grieving our four years spent in
our undergraduate, all the friends we made, the memories we shared. It doesn’t
seem fair that we only had a year to adjust to this new life outside of school.
But Amate House offers more than just time for adjustment. It offered a brand
new look at reality. One that is uncomfortable, intentional, and
counter-cultural.
The apostles spent the 40 days before
Jesus’ Ascension doing exactly the opposite of what Jesus told them to do. Go
out and change the world? More like hide in their rooms in fear of persecution.
But really, I am not one to judge. I like to seem braver than I am. No one
knows this about me, but on move-in day, I actually started crying out of
nowhere when I was only ten minutes away from what my community members and I
now affectionately call “NoHo.”
Was I nervous about moving to a new city? Was I not ready for
community life? Honestly, I will never know, because I did not allow myself the
necessary time to reflect and move on; I just brushed it off and put on a face.
I realize now that I have been too eager to move on to the next. Allowing yourself
a little time to adjust is a healthy part of self-care. Thankfully, Amate has
been a HUGE advocate of this time for reflection. I think that is a lesson that
will stick with me well beyond this year. In order to care for others, you must
first take care of yourself.
So really, we need this time for
adjustment. We need this time to grieve the old. Even me, who has always
believed I can adapt to anything. This in-between time of grieving and
adjustment is not weakness. In fact, it is a necessary part of moving forward.
Now, I am thankful to live in a house that
recognizes how perfectly uncomfortable this year has been, and what a pivotal
experience this is for us. What do I mean by “perfectly uncomfortable”? I mean
that my house has challenged me to open up in ways I never thought I could.
When my roommates start a conversation with “Let’s get intimate!” you know
you’re about to discuss something really deep. Whether it comes from a memory
from your past or from a musing about a workday, it’s more than just a personal
story; with my “NoHo” community, it’s contemplation and reflection that
challenges you to really think about the situation and put it in a different
perspective.
This opportunity to reflect out loud will not always present
itself so easily when we are released into the real world. Who is going to ask
me to “get intimate” after this year? Who will prompt me to open up and
reflect? This is something I will need to prompt myself. But then again, that
was the whole purpose for this year, wasn’t it? To learn from the discomfort
and create these habits so that we can lead just lives and, hopefully, touch
the lives of others around us. What a difference this year has made for me!
From unfounded nervous tears to intentional daily reflection with my fellow Volunteers,
self-care and contemplation has become all but second nature to us.
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