“And when Jesus was baptized, immediately he went up from the water, and behold, the heavens were opened to him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and coming to rest on him; and behold, a voice from heaven said, ‘This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.’”This passage is quite a memorable story from Mark’s Gospel. Personally, I have heard it more times than I can count, but it never became a story that held much meaning in my own spiritual life. Of course, John the Baptist’s humility is inspiring, Jesus’ insistence on being baptized is interesting, and God’s movement of the sky is impressive. But as for the voice from heaven, it is speaking to Jesus, it’s not exactly speaking to me.
Henri Nouwen would disagree. In his opinion, God is speaking to all of us; we are all beloved by God. This fact is not only proven by this passage, but from numerous instances of God’s love in Scripture and through Christ’s ministry. We must claim and live our belovedness, even when it is difficult to hear that message in the world today.
During winter retreat, I was given the opportunity to hear this message and reflect on its significance in my own life. Our sessions were split into four parts of this message: Taken, Blessed, Broken, and Given. I’d like to share my own thoughts from this weekend, in the hopes of capturing my experience in Amate House thus far.
Taken: God has chosen me. Honestly, this is a hard thing for me to grapple with. I hear it over and over that I am beloved by God, that God has called me to accept my belovedness. The thing I did accept during this winter retreat is that my relationship with God is distant. I’ve been going through the motions for awhile, doing the things that I think are “religious” or “spiritual”, trying to foster a better prayer life using the same tools. None of this is giving me life because deep inside me, I’m not sure I ever accepted that I am chosen by God in the first place.
Why? Because I’m not sure that I am created in “his” image. The language I keep hearing tells me that God is a man, even though theologically I know this is not accurate. Just recently, I am beginning to admit how much this affects me. This is a leap in my spirituality and I’m eager to continue exploring what it means. I’m eager to foster a relationship with God that is unique and life-giving.
Blessed: God has chosen me, and so I am blessed in many ways. This one isn’t as hard for me to accept; I like hearing others compliment me and I would consider myself a confident person. I am also big on verbal affirmations from others. During retreat, I had a new experience of affirmations which made me reflect more deeply. Standing in a circle facing outward, I kept my eyes closed as the leader read statements like, “Reach out and touch someone who has allowed you to be vulnerable,” or “Reach out and touch someone who challenges you to be better”. For about twenty minutes I heard these statements and felt my community members squeeze my shoulder or gently place their hand on my back. This was heartwarming and moving, but the one that really made me think was, “Reach out and touch someone who you want to get to know more.” There were three or four hands on my back this time, and I realized that I agreed with them. I want to get to know myself more too. Perhaps my obsession with needing verbal affirmation isn’t allowing me to hear my inner voice. Instead of cultivating a deep sense of self I am making others tell me who I am and what my talents are. I think it was good for me to stand with my eyes closed through this activity and not know who was affirming me. It was even better to be given this reflection and realize that I need to work on my vulnerability with myself and with others.
Friends, I want you to know me more. I want to know who your inner selves are too.
Broken: Now, this one is pretty difficult. Think of a time when you were broken and connect this to your blessedness. Like many others, I’m not one to admit when I am broken. I like to put on a strong face and shield my pain or frustrations from people. Although I’ve learned that it is helpful for me to process my feelings with others, I first have the attitude that I can figure it out by myself. Living in community makes it difficult to keep up this attitude. My housemates see me when I’m quiet at dinner, they can hear my voice shake when I describe a frustrating day at work, and they can ask a tough question that makes me share more.
Joining this program, I have made a commitment to build intimacy with my community members, which means I have to share my brokenness. I began to think of this in a new way as we discussed the idea of “wholeness” on retreat. Wholeness means acknowledging all the parts of yourself, positive and negative. It’s the idea that all of your experiences have made you into the person you are, whether those experiences were hard or great. I’m more whole when I cry because work is hard; I’m more whole because I had my trust broken in the past; I’m more whole when I’m frustrated and my heart hurts at hearing hate speech directed at refugees, who are my friends; I’m more whole because I admit to my spiritual director and my housemates that I’m struggling with my faith. Recognizing my brokenness isn’t something that I should be ashamed of or hide, because it all adds to my wholeness, which I think is a beautiful thing.
Given: The last piece of acknowledging and accepting our belovedness involves what we do for others. It’s a common Christian message that we should give back and share our blessings. I took this also as sharing myself, in a real and vulnerable way, with others. As a continuation of all of my reflections during winter retreat, this is a common theme I plan to put into action during the last few months of my Amate year.
Thank you for reading this long thread of thoughts and thank you for letting me practice my vulnerability in this reflection.
Amate House is seeking young adults who are seeking an opportunity to live out a year of service, community, and faith formation in Chicago. Our final application for the 2016-2017 program year is March 15 - to apply, please visit our website: http://www.amatehouse.org/Volunteer/HowtoApply.aspx
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