“Mary was a beautiful, faith-filled door. When the divine visitor tapped on her heart, she was at first hesitant and afraid. Full of questions and concerns, she paused for clarity before she opened the door. But she did not let her hesitations keep her from extending a welcome to love. With her “Yes, you may come in,” Mary is every person who has stood at the door and felt fearful of the future with its unknown direction. She is every person who has experienced self-doubt or has had a totally unexpected event upset them. She is each of us struggling with our own fears and hesitations when the Holy One taps on the door of our life asking for an entrance. “–Joyce RuppI had many hesitations right before I left for Chicago. I questioned my decision and honestly did not want to leave what I knew, what was comfortable and easy. But I didn’t let my hesitations stop me, for whatever reason I opened the door and I'm still discovering what’s behind it.
Beginning Amate House was daunting. Starting work and Coordinating an after school program by myself was a challenge I doubted I could accomplish. I began questioning it all and had a deep fear inside of me, as Mary did when she stood at the door. Am I the right person for this job? I don’t speak Spanish very well and I’m not exactly as experienced as someone else might be in my position. Why am I doing this? Do I want to do this? Am I worthy? Am I good enough? These questions and doubts invaded too much space in my head. They paralyzed me with fear and held me back. It is a constant struggle to find clarity and comfort in the chaos. But, slowly I started proving myself wrong and even though doubts are still present, I am trying to be more accepting and gentle with them.
Amate revealed all of my flaws and insecurities and they seemed to show like an open wound for me. This was a terrifying, vulnerable place, but there is something special about having a community behind you during those times when you don't want to be seen or heard. Not only do they acknowledge the challenges, they ask questions that you want to avoid just because it's easier. Mary also had hesitations and doubts. She was authentic in her response and it took time to pause and reflect before she could accept with love.
Welcoming the unknown like Mary is something that I strive to do. With that, I can also relate to the fear she had in the beginning, and then eventually seeing the light. While working with 3rd-5th graders it has rejuvenated my energy to focus on the present moment. Seeing the world through kids’ eyes is always so refreshing for my spirit because some of them act so invincible; their dreams are so big and no one can tell them how to feel. It doesn't matter what they don't know because they live very much in the moment. The unknown can be exciting for them and it should be for us too. I miss this, back when we spoke with less doubt and more confidence. Fearless. I am lucky to have that spirit in front of me as a reminder that the unknown can take you on an exciting journey if you allow it to.
I crave Mary’s clarity and acceptance as I encounter the unknown because she welcomed love into her heart. It is easy to want control in your life. At work and in community I am learning to really focus on what I can control even if that is a very small amount. Letting go and being content with the outcome. I'm not always going to get reassurance but that shouldn't stop me from having confidence in my own capabilities. I cant control my roommates happiness and fix their problems. But, I can be present with them and hear them out when they need it most.
Mary was so gentle with herself and even though she was full of questions she did not allow this to take over her heart. Her fears were present and valid but she turned them into a fearless spirit that is admirable. I want to be kinder with myself and my fears. Though they may seem endless; it is important to not let this define who I am. Mary had doubts about the unexpected like many experience. And because of that Mary is every person. She is you, she is me. A beautiful faith-filled door.
Amate House is accepting applications for the 2015-2016 Program Year! Our early application is January 15 - learn how to apply by visiting us at http://www.amatehouse.org/Volunteer/HowtoApply.aspx
1 comment:
I found Kate's reflection wonderful, very insightful. Joyce Rupp is one of my favorite authors and the quote used speaks of her deep spirituality. The article speaks of Kate's deep spirituality, it was a good reminder to me to always keep the door of my heart and mind open to the unexpected and the unknown that comes to us. Kate is right on that as children we are so open to everything, in our 20's-30's we sometime shut the door, as someone who is in his 60's I see how once again I need to keep the door of my life open because there is still many unexpected and unknown that comes to my life. In reading Kate's reflection I thought this is what a homily needs to be in our Catholic churches, given by her or to young high school people.
Pope Francis in this Year of Mercy reminds us to keep the door of our life open to being a person of mercy to others, she and her friends at Amate House are doing exactly that in their ministry.
Tim Wozniak
Post a Comment