The Ninth Station: Jesus Falls the Third Time

The following is a Lenten reflection written by Adam Kretz, one of this year's South House Volunteers.

“The last fall is devastating; Jesus can barely proceed to the end. Summoning all his remaining strength, supported by his inner trust in God, Jesus collapses under the weight of the cross. His executioners look at him as a broken man, pathetic yet paying a price he deserves. They help him up so he can make it up the hill of crucifixion.”

I procrastinated as I always have in the past with writing assignments; the trouble is always in getting started. Intending to transmit an important and meaningful message while preparing myself to share something intimate in order to write that document. The How I've found is always the difficult part. It is the doing, the sacrificing of time. The decision to dedicate energy and attention to something on faith that is for a higher purpose, on faith that it is serving a greater good, it is a difficult and draining commitment. Finding a way to do all this in the span of an hour seems like futile effort. But that’s the thing about procrastination; it is not the act of putting things off as much as it is a way of rationalizing why not do something important, meaningful, vulnerable.

When I sat down to reflect on this ninth station I found myself feeling embarrassed and slightly ashamed of how little I actually know about this Man, this one true Son of God that I have lately been hearing so much about. Now I was baptized and raised as a Catholic, educated on the faith by my parents and by my religious education classes. After all these years I have only held on to a general idea of who Jesus was and why he died on the cross. I am no longer a Catholic and so I am less ashamed to admit to having watched a 2 and half minute video titled: Who is Jesus put out by the channel Bibles for America, which helped only confirm what I already knew about the story: that Jesus is God and the only son of God and that he lived an amazing life and helped many people before having to sacrifice himself in order to save all of us from going to hell.

At that pointed I stopped to think about this sacrifice through my new prism of faith. What would it mean for “God”, in the way that I understand “God” to kill itself? The sacrifice of a child of God who is also God, so that everything is better off, this is a very difficult thing for me to wrap my head around. It made me think of this idea of Opportunity Cost that’s found in Economics, that states when you choose to do one thing you cost yourself the opportunity do another. For a long time in my life I have been consumed by my gambling addiction and the many vices that come along with, the cigarettes, the partying,  the drugs, the tv and alcohol. So many distractions, but most dangerous part was what it took me away from. Which was a meaningful life. My addiction kept me from spending quality time with my family and friends, from working on my goals and dreams, all the things I care about most, instead I was shackled to the wall of the closest casino, stuck inside my prison, my hell. I stayed there for so many years chained up, distracted from the hard, difficult, uncomfortable things that were my footholds toward a better life. But before this year of service began I fought my way through the pain and pressures of my struggle that had always kept me down. I got beyond the next roll of the dice because I realized that I will never become the person I was meant to be if I am trapped behind the walls of temptation and indulgence.

Like many prodigious figures in history I only generally understand. Jesus for me is a beautiful example of this intentional faith based way of living and dying. I wonder to myself, what does it mean to be so committed to one’s relationship with God where you must sacrifice and trust even when it’s painful, even when others may not understand, even when you may not understand yourself?

In Station nine Jesus is at the point where he can physically no longer bear the weight of the cross. His muscles give out and the final moments of his life come to a close. For me this station is about understanding why it is sometimes necessary to deliberately push myself past pleasure and comfort in order to be put through pain, because the mission, the goal, the future I want for myself, my family, my friends, my fellow humans, is on the other side of that hurt, it is only a hurdle in the way, how you overcome it is in that trust and support from The Divine, The Infinite.